The columns and writings of
Peggy L. Elliott
""  Well, Okay, If You Insist.....
[Italicized Notes made for speech presenter, Condi]

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Glad you could all make it here today, particularly on such short notice. [Note:  Press Conference set up three weeks ago to insure turn-out]

I know you've been hearing the wild rumors circulating around the Capital, heck, throughout the world - and No, not THOSE rumors! - regarding the Party's intent to place my name in nomination for the most honored, revered and powerful position in the Galaxy:  President!

Now, I am beyond words [slight pause for chuckling in audience], yes, unusual for me!  But, truly, to express my huge gratitude at the faith being displayed in my leadership ability.  And, yes, I know there are those who would ask, "What 'leadership ability' is she referring to?" 

Well, look at me right now!  In front of all you important people, here merely because you knew I was going to make an important speech which holds nothing less than the future of this great country at stake! [Pause for applause

I stand on my record, at the beck and call of our greatest Commander in Chief, and a dear, personal, loving and sweet friend to me in so many, many important ways, President George W. Bush!  [Expect thunderous applause

Yes, it has been Georgie, [STRIKE] President Bush who has taught me all I know in the field of politics.  How to take hold of a situation, mold it, form it, present it, appeal it, change it, master it, question it - then do exactly as you're told! 

For I am a pleaser, a "yes-you-can" agreer!  I know the value of following orders, of blind devotion to a cause, any cause.  Why, it's what's got me here today - Learning the lessons of leadership by following those who really know what's going on!  Lessons my Boss, through example, has taught me well.   

I've taught him a thing or two, but maybe this is not the time nor place. [Flash evil/knowing grin to laughing audience]

I ask you, if I wasn't an important leader, doing important leader-type things, would you be here?  Would you care what I have to say?  I dare say you would not!

Let's take a brief look at the events which have unfolded during my stint as Most Important Woman on Earth - who has the lap of the President available to her whenever He wishes! 

One:  The War in Iraq has been won, over and over and over again!  We keep winning that war!  If not for me, we might not keep winning that war! 

Two:  Did you not love the snappy "uniform" outfit I wore on the aircraft carrier when entertaining those Navy boys at sea?  Did this not look "Presidential"?  Even though I'm not running for president now, or ever.  I would definitely wear this again on a campaign, though.

Three:  During my reign, the world has once again grown to respect, nay, revere, the United States of America - as it is meant to be!  [Stand back for huge applause]   Why, every day we receive letters of undying gratitude from the wealthy and important people throughout this world.  People who know we are willing to put down the laws of their lands whenever they get in the way of business progress!  People who know we will send in our most precious youth to fight and, yes, possibly to die, to protect their right to be rich!  [Acknowledge applause of gratitude]

Four:  There's so much more to fear, though.  Nuclear capabilities, anti-America displays, Weapons of Mass Destruction, every form of evil we can think of and some we haven't even thought up yet, all to be found in Iran, Pakistan, North Korea, India, Russia, all those weird "-Stan" countries, Asia, Africa, the Middle East, Western Europe, South America! 

And, my God, there are two foreign countries right on the very borders of the U.S.:  Mexico and Canada!  We will never be safe, to sleep soundly at night, while the world is peopled by foreigners who do NOT believe like WE DO! [Again, thunderous applause]

Five:  (Is there a five?)

To you, to the people of this grand and glorious country of ours, I say this - The times are more dire and dangerous now than at any other time in the history of the world, maybe even the universe, for sure back to Adam and Eve and the that apple business.

Don't listen to that goofy Mayor of New Orleans, C. Roy Nagin - yes, "C." Roy Nagin "run" - and lose!  [Laughing, applause]  God loves the United States!  And don't forget Jesus, not in this country, for sure!  Why, we in the Bush Administration talk to God and Jesus all day long and never have we taken a single position on any issue without the express knowledge that God and Jesus were on our side!  [Wild cheering expected]

And God, Jesus, the Saints - if you're so inclined - have told us what this country needs.  No, what this WORLD needs, is a leader who can grab the bull by the teeth and whip him around, bring him down and tie him up with a length of rope, skin and age him and, finally, throw him in the barbecue pit on Georgie's ranch in Texas!  Yes!  We CAN do this together!  We are NOT alone!  We are loved, trusted, feared - It's a great time to be an AMERICAN!!!!!

[Stand back for minutes of stampeding cheers and applause/discretely check makeup]

But, ladies and gentlemen, I must reiterate - though possessing all the pristine qualities and sterling qualifications needed to fill the position of the bull-ying leader of which I speak, I am not going to bow to the roar of demands, the pleading, the pledges and go out for what is no doubt the job I was born to do, my destiny, in service to my country and protecting the world for all future American generations! [Are run-on sentences okay in speeches?  Check somewhere...]

So, thank you one and all for the faith you have displayed in me.  For the guidance to follow the right, shining path of American militarism, to accept that there is greatness around me; greatness that has shot through me and even leaked out on occasion!  [Knowing laugh along with audience DO NOT WINK AT GEORGIE!!!!]

In closing, let me say this:  Even though the "Condie Can - Just Like a Man!" campaign offices are setting up, hotel arrangements being made, posters, pennants, buttons and other collectible campaign paraphernalia being manufactured and distributed throughout New Hampshire and the all-important Red States, I am NOT now, nor will I EVER be, the next Great Candidate of the Great Republican Party for the Great President of these Great United States of America! 

Yes, "Condie Can!"

Thank you all for taking the time out of your busy schedules to come here today.  And I'll see you in New Hampshire (oh, this is off the record, right?!)................

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© Peggy L. Elliott 2006